Ok this is going to make me sound like a real-life Grinch, but I haven’t felt the Christmasy vibe in a long, long time.
BREAKING UP WITH SANTA
I can remember the first time Christmas lost its magic for me. When we were kids, my parents really, really made a production out of Santa Claus. Every year, we would get two gifts; one from my parents, and one from “Santa.”
And because Santa had an entire factory at his disposal, he always gave the better, grander gifts. For instance, I would get a Barbie doll from my parents, but Santa would pimp her up with a Barbie car. He would even draw elaborate maps and hide the gifts in the most obscure places. It was pretty awesome.
But then one year, I was around 9 years old, instead of the usual scavengers’ hunt, my Santa gift was simply placed on my bed. Attached to it was a letter.
Basically, I was informed in flowery words that: Every year, Santa had to hustle double time to accommodate more and more kids being born. And since his elves were ridiculously overworked, he needed to stop giving gifts to the bigger children so he could make room for the younger ones. I was a big girl now, he explained; big enough to understand that he had to make way for the younger kids who still needed him.
I couldn’t believe it. I got my first it’s-not-you-it’s-me breakup letter. And from Santa freakin’ Claus. He did not even have the decency to do it in person.
Men. Are. Shmucks.
Shortly thereafter, my cousin (yes Achie, talking about you here) totally ruined it for me by stating matter-of-factly that Santa was not real. I was just getting gifts from my parents all along; in fact, she helped my dad write the controversial letter.
Childhood ruined!
FORCED HAPPINESS MAKES ME MELANCHOLIC
As a full-fledged adult- I find a Christmas a tad bit overhyped (yeah I said it).
The bright Christmas lights… the over the top Christmas decorations… and don’t even get me started on the Christmas Carols…
Around the start of the season, my husband and I were checked in a hotel in Ortigas. And just when we were about to enter the elevator, a choir started belting out Christmas tunes. We turned to each other almost at the same time. “Aw, this is nice…” he exclaimed just as I made a sour face and said under my breath, “Yikes!”
I super thought we were on the same boat! A little embarrassed, I tried to explain as succinctly as possible, “the sopranos freak me out.” He of course, looked at me as if I was insane.
I don’t know. I guess it’s just the way the season forces you to be thankful and happy that makes me more sullen and cranky (I’ve always had a contrary streak).
CHRISTMAS IS HIGH-WAY ROBBERY
As a Catholic school kid, we were always reminded that Christmas is a time for giving; I took this to heart. Whenever I got Christmas money from my parents, I would blow 99% of it on gifts.
As an adult however, giving until it hurts took on an entire different meaning. The nuns never explained that without mom and dad’s money to buffer your day-to-day expenses, you can actually come out of the holiday season on the verge of bankruptcy. From handing out employee bonuses, to shelving out for potlucks and numerous Christmas feasts, to spending on litres of gas as you desperately navigate through horrendous traffic, everything costs money!
Of course, the bulk of the amount goes into gift shopping. My Christmas list has now ballooned into unmanageable proportions. Aside from family and friends, I have a whopping 21 god children. I could now single-handedly cover Fully Booked’s employee bonuses.
Then, there are also all these “Christmas envelopes” that you have to take care of. Just yesterday, some punk from PLDT was making a ruckus outside because he wanted to give us our bill in person. Of course, it came with a Christmas envelope. He insisted on waiting for it too. Since when did these things become mandatory? The nerd!
The funny thing is, you spend months making a mad dash for gifts, obsessing about decorations (I gave up this year. I just asked Manang to put up a Christmas tree and to scrounge through all old mismatched decorations) and coordinating with friends for Christmas reunions; but before you know it, the season’s over. We spend more time preparing for Christmas than actually experiencing it. It just seems a tad anticlimactic.
THE GRINCH GETS SCHOOLED
My husband, who was absolutely horrified to discover that he married a Christmas Grinch (I kept it well under wraps for years. I’m very good at faking peppiness), sat me down and asked me why I was being a Debbie Downer.
I explained how I finally got what dad used to say; Christmas is really just for kids.
When you’re an adult, you realize that it’s not sparkly and magical. It actually takes a lot of forced, behind the scenes work. There’s no Santa Claus who will buy the presents for you, that Christmas tree doesn’t miraculously fix itself, and that Christmas feast that you enjoy takes half a day to prepare. It just involves so much effort. And I would rather skip it altogether this year, thank you very much.
He just looked at me and reasoned out quite calmly, “but isn’t that the nice thing about it? Everyone makes an effort”.
Okay. This doesn’t happen very often, but husband kinda put me in my place. Usually I spout the simple life lessons and he’s left to marvel at the wisdom of the woman he married.
But as excruciating as it is to admit; in this case, he is Ghost of Christmas Wisdom – and I am the greedy Scrooge out to infect people with my misery.
THE UN-MAGICNESS OF CHRISTMAS MAKES IT MAGICAL
Slowly, his words started to percolate and I started seeing things in a different light. Here I am a grown-ass woman, expecting Christmas magic to hit me as brightly as those damn lights in Ayala Avenue. But if I had only stopped and looked, I would see subtle Christmas magic everywhere.
My parents, when they were still alive, always made an effort to make everything just so. My mom, who never cooked, would slave over the kitchen the whole day, making lasagna (her specialty) and other dishes for Noche Buena. My dad, who was crazy kuripot, would, during New Years’ buy an obscene amount of fireworks so he could put up a show that could rival the ones in MOA. As I got older, I realized that this was not something they preferred to do. Nothing would make them happier than just skipping the holidays themselves. They were doing it mainly for us, their children.
(I can’t speak for Det, because he’s always been the naturally peppy one) I in turn, would put up a wow-this-is-awesome front for my parents: I didn’t have the heart to tell my mom that I was a little too full to eat her lasagna and my dad that I actually have outgrown the fireworks. So my entire family (except for cheery Det) would put up a forced holiday show for each other. Everytime I looked back at those days, I would get a bit sad. I mean, we were steady and happy on regular days, but why did our holidays seemed so put on?
Now I realize, that it’s actually weirdly beautiful. We had some sort of sick “Gift of the Magi” thing going on – and we were doing it because we loved each other.
I also look back at the months I spent obsessing about my personalized gifts; or the absolute confusion I go through while hoarding children’s books (I’ve given out so much I kinda lost track of which book I gave to whom); and realize that even though it takes me forever to prepare the presents, and the recipients just a minute to open them, the momentary joy that I see in their eyes makes all of it worth it.
During a Christmas gathering, I gave books to Moe’s best friend’s daughter, Dani. Dani doesn’t warm up to people very easily, and since we hardly ever see her, she always kept a safe distance from us. But when we handed her the books, she cuddled up to me so I could read to her. I absolutely melted! Mitch, her dad, even messaged us that when her nanny started reading her another book, she requested, “Please read like Auntie Pia.” (Bisaya daw kasi si yaya). Christmas spirit restored!
I can now look back at hours we spend in traffic on our way to a Christmas reunion and appreciate that my even busier friends, who had their careers and family and other friends to juggle, had chosen to also brave the traffic to spend time with us. (Caleen, one of my best friends had just moved in her new house and had just finished vigorously cleaning the bathroom when she arrived for our Christmas reunion. A for effort, dude!)
I appreciate how my friends and their parents, knowing that Moe and I are parent-less, have invited us to their intimate Christmas Eve family gathering. (Love you Romeros and Ataydes!) I appreciate how my brother spontaneously made an effort to learn how to make mom’s lasagna, so we can have a taste of an old family tradition.
I have come to realize that Christmas is even lovelier as an adult; because you now know the production that goes behind every little Christmas gesture.
Here I am so busy looking for the effortless Christmas I had as a kid that I missed the entire point of the season. Christmas isn’t about looking for magic for magic for yourself. It’s making sure that it’s magical for everyone else.
Carmen says
I was reading this, nodding along in agreeance with everything you wrote and then I got to the line about your brother learning your mothers lasagne recipe and now I’m trying to type with one hand, and wipe away tears with the other.
What a beautiful thing for him to do. What a lovely memory to keep alive.
You’ve really hit the nail on the head here, it’s about the effort. It doesn’t matter what else is going on, it doesn’t matter that we’re all living off leftovers and tuna for a few weeks post Christmas. What matters is that for that short celebration people put everything else aside to make sure that Christmas is made as magical as possible.
I love this post. Merry Christmas xx
Pia says
Thanks so much Carmen, my brother has always been the sweeter one. As you can probably tell, I’m the whiner in the family. Hahaha. I totally agree with you. Christmas, no matter how fleeting or momentary, reminds us that everyday miracles exist. 🙂
ROBERT LEE | Amazing Life Daily says
It’s one of the two when it comes to Christmas. What I mean by this is that Christmas is either good or so-so, depending on each person you deal with. For instance, making it magical becomes truly magical when the person receiving from you is someone special and important, and appreciates you. But on the other hand, it becomes a pain when it is a matter of routine. 🙂
Pia says
My sentiments exactly Robert. I don’t like being “forced” or “obligated” to give just because it’s Christmas. I guess that’s what started my gripe to begin with. But in my case, focusing on the generosity of other people towards me made kinda helped bring out the graciousness in me. So I ended up being happy and thankful regardless of the countless Christmas envelopes I had to fill. hehehe.
ROBERT LEE | Amazing Life Daily says
In that case, it’s not about bring the grinch but just being realist and practical, isn’t it? How do one value gifts? It is when one receives something that comes with a lot of thought, and as a result, no matter how cheap even, it becomes treasured. So imagine year after year, how many gifts are being prepared to be recycled?
Christmas is everyday, when Christ is in the heart and actions is in accordance with His teachings.
Pia says
Hi Robert. That’s true. The obligation do give gifts kahit token gifts, leads to a lot of wastage. You end up accumulating so many “unwanted” ones. Kaya nga nauso ang white elephant. Hehehe. That’s one thing though, kaya ata ako hirap na hirap every Christmas, because I really make an effort to give out personalised gifts, just to give the recipient the feeling na it was not something I bought last minute. Even if they end up not liking it, at least there was an actual thought and effort and time put into it.
SiennyLovesDrawing says
Ha..Ha…Xmas is not just for kids, I am celebrating it. To me, Xmas is a lovely festive to celebrate not because we can receiving gifts. But also at the same time, we are giving out gifts as an appreciation. So, I do spend lots of time in selecting gifts/ preparing of each too. Enjoy Xmas! Cheers, SiennyLovesDrawing
Pia says
Merry Christmas Sieny. 🙂 I like what you said about handing out gifts as a sign of appreciation – it’s a nice way of thanking people who have been there for you all year round. 🙂
Eleanor Llabore says
I love Christmas not because of gifts and Santa. I love it because of Simbang Gabi tradition and its the birthday of Jesus. I believe each of us has his/her own way of celebrating it and getting the real essence of Christmas. The way you wrote about Santa’s broke-up letter made me a little pensive though. Anyway, wishing you a happier Christmas always.
Pia says
Merry Christmas Eleanor. To be clear, I’m over the Santa Claus breakup. Hehehe.
Swayam Tiwari says
First of all , a question; What or Who is a Grinch? Is he a Scrooge?
Anyways, coming to the Christmas and Santa theme in your post, I was last year thrilled to see Lord Krishna draped in the Santa apparel in one of the most adored temples of India! Initially, I was a bit put off but later realized that greatness is not bound by time and space.
But, I felt sorry that all big kids have to break up with Santa. Why should our childhood be defined by age?
Pia says
Hi Swayam! The Grinch is a character from a Dr. Seuss book. It was eventually made into a movie starring Jim Carrey. 🙂 Yeah, he’s pretty much a more horrible Scrooge but he turned out nice in the end. 🙂 I love your point – age is definitely just a number. Thanks for posting. 🙂
Karla says
Thanks for the reminder. I too was starting to lose hope about Christmas. This year, I kept saying, I didn’t feel Christmas. I was starting to believe that Christmas is only for kids but you are very right, it’s not the magic for us, but making sure it’s magical for everyone else. I loved the effort that my family did to drive through the traffic just to be together The effort to stand together in an ulta-crowded, hot church, for Christmas and the effort my grandmother makes to cook just so she can serve us good food for Noche Buena. I guess, Christmas was different before but then hey, people make effort to make it magical for everyone else and seeing it that way makes it more meaningful.
Pia says
I’m glad you found Christmas magical too Karla. 🙂 Happy holidays! 🙂
Indrani says
Very touching post. You are brave to share your childhood stories. Festivals need not be celebrated to show off. Yes kids enjoy it more but festivals are for adults too. And through our children we enjoy it more.
Pia says
Thanks Indrani! Although I’m quite over my Santa debacle so I’m not sure you can call it brave. hahaha. I used to tease my parents about it all the time.
Teresa says
I agree with you that Christmas preparations could be tiring. But I love Christmas because it reminds me/us that Someone went ALL OUT to show His love. So, whatever preparations I do to make those around me loved still pale in comparison to that Someone’s expression of love. Every year, I try to make things simple and just focus on what is essential to me and my family. That way, I don ‘t get too tired to miss on the real meaning of Christmas. 🙂
Pia says
Totally agree with everything you said Teresa. I think an attitude of gratitude goes a long way this holiday season. 🙂
Sam Coronado (@followyouroad) says
I guess what makes Christmas miserable is because of all the expectations attached to it. Sometimes it seems it’s no more than an excuse to spend. Plus, families are not perfect. Some are broken families, or the season sometimes trigger many bad family memories. I guess, we should just see it as it is: a brief chance to take a break from work.
Pia says
Hi Sam. Yes! That was exactly how I felt. There was just so much expectation to be happy that it made me unhappy. And yes, at the end of the day, at the very least you can say that even if you don’t feel the Christmas spirit – you can sleep through the holidays and be totally refreshed when you come back to work. 🙂
Gessa C says
Well, it’s quite funny how the meaning of every special occasion changes when we grow up most especially now that we become a parent. And yes, I couldn’t agree more of Christmas is not about magic but making Christmas magical to everyone instead. In my case, what I love about this season is that the holiday which is a break from work, 13th-month pay (hahaha), and the priceless reactions kids give whenever they open your simple gifts for them. This reminds me a lot of being a kid. Anyhow, I hope you guys had a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year too!
Pia says
Hahaha. Vacations are definitely something I look forward to too. Even if I’m a freelancer. 😛 Hope you had a great holiday season, Gessa. 🙂
Maria says
A very personal post from you, Pia. I admire your courage in sharing personal stories and sentiments. I love reading this kind of posts because it allows a stranger to connect to a person even if someone’s far away. Anyway, I do feel like I’m a Christmas Grinch sometimes. Though, I don’t stop donating and sharing my blessings to the others out there. It’s just fulfilling to see people smiling because you shared something. I guess, that’s how I see Christmas now. 🙂
Pia says
Thank you Maria! That’s how I feel about your personal posts too! I feel like I know you already. I guess I choose to share stories like these because I really want to give out the message that it’s okay to feel bad and to be uninspired sometimes – not everything has to have a silver lining immediately. I’m a firm believer of honouring your feelings because to put it simply, even the bad ones teach you something about yourself. 🙂 That being said, I totally agree- giving hurts the wallet, and I’m still suffering from the aftershocks of it until now – but it does bring a certain contentment to your heart. 🙂