In my last post, I shared how I’m a world-class Christmas Grinch, and how I had a hard time getting into the holiday spirit.
This next entry is an attempt to combat my New Year’s funk as well.
THE NEXT YEAR IS JUST A NUMBER
One of the most depressing things about welcoming the New Year for me is coming to terms with getting older. I’m turning 37 this year. Where the hell did the rest of my life go?
The thing is, after my mid-twenties, I kind of ran out of big “typical” milestones to look forward to and everything was just a blur. At least when I was still in college, goals were more or less set and I had a definitive age bracket to accomplish certain things. After that though, everything was just fair game and I was left to figure out what my next steps were.
Before I knew it, I was being “left behind “ by my peers in all aspects of life.
My college barkada are now all accomplished therapists, academes, lawyers, trainers, whatever. And here I am still trying to figure out how to launch my second career as a writer.
The rest of my batch are also starting their own families – the topic of conversation has now evolved from weddings to sending childr en to school. Moe and I in the meantime, after my miscarriage (Part 1 and 2 for your reference), kinda put having a baby in the backburner.
New Year’s for me is another reminder that I’m running out of time.
I was browsing through my favorite psychologist’s notes (Carl Jung) and he mentioned something about treating patients in the “twilight years” of their life. To be honest, the rest of the lecture did not have much of an impact on me because I got caught up in one tiny detail: He categorized those 35 years and above as being in their twilight years.
WTF?!!! Excuse me, but I don’t even remembering reaching my high noon, so how the hell did I skip that and go straight to twilight? Unless Carl Jung is talking about them sparkling ageless vampires, I am deeply offended.
Naturally, this sent me in another my-life-is-wasting-away panic. And as always, whenever I indulge in an all-out melodramatic anxiety attack, the universe activates a small nugget of insight that helps me calm the f*ck down. (I would like to give a shout out to God. Although He gave me a histrionic personality, He also threw in a tiny inner voice that helps me see reason. It’s like having my own mental Pandora’s box).
I realized, why does this all matter? Age, or in this case, a year, is just a number. 2016 isn’t the end of something. And neither is 2017 the beginning. Time is relative.
So what if my biological clock is ticking? So what if I’m competing with tech-savvy milennials for entry-level writing jobs?
If I had kids when my peers had kids, I would be subjecting my baby to the tumultuous adjustments that Moe and I had to go through year after year after year. Maybe we were meant to have children when things are a little bit more settled and more stable. Or maybe we were meant to take care of war-torn orphans like Brangelina. Who knows?
I may be contending with milennials who have a better grasp of SEO’s and all that techy jargon but I’d like to think I bring a certain life perspective in my writing that can only be gained through age and experience. That certainly counts for something, right?
My point is, my timing is not off. I am exactly where I need to be. Rather than focusing on the years passing by, maybe I should focus on my own personal milestones and embrace that I’m paving my own way.
Twilight years be damned.
DOING AWAY WITH RESOLUTIONS
I used to lean into this whole New Year’s resolution business when I was younger. From the mundane goals like (re) learning how to drive to more general attitude changes like becoming more patient, to more ambitious sweeping pronouncements like becoming the next Oprah at 30- I listed them all painstakingly.
I would start the year strong and stick to my list meticulously. But soon, my enthusiasm would wane off and life would get in the way.
So guess what; decades later, I still don’t drive. I still snap at people in the morning when I haven’t had coffee and yosi (quitting smoking was never a part of my resolution ever) and I am nowhere near giving out cars on a whim.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I haven’t improved. I daresay that 21 year old Pia is much much whinier and much more annoying than mature 36-year old Pia. But the improvements I did see in myself came organically and naturally; not because of a list of resolutions, but because sometime during the year, I encountered experiences or circumstances that provided me an opportunity to improve.
So, although I was never meticulous about keeping everything on my list, I have gained so many practical and internal life skills that I hadn’t thought to put there to begin with.
I may not have learned how to drive, but I now have a hella more practical skills than I would have thought my sheltered self could actually learn. (I have also recently discovered the joys of ride sharing! See, maybe I never drove because the Universe knows there will be traffic and Uber in the future). I’m still unbelievably impatient about the smallest things, but I have learned to be forgiving and understanding of more colossal mistakes. I may not have my Oprah empire – well, I have nothing to compensate for that. But 2 out of 3 isn’t bad.
The thing is, I realized that when you let self-improvements happen slowly, instead of forcing them on yourself by making some list, the effect is more lasting and more long-term. And if you open yourself up to changing with your circumstances, you give the Universe the opportunity to give you something better than what you have imagined for yourself.
Lesson learned: No more beating myself up over foiled resolutions. No more making resolutions to begin with. Instead, I will just open myself up to whatever changes life requires of me.
BEING THANKFUL FOR THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY
Every year, I would make a point to round up all the wonderful things that happened in my life – sometimes I’d write about them, sometimes I would just go to our little makeshift altar and say a short thank you prayer. It helps me realize that I am, to borrow a term from the milennials, #blessed.
I had my fair share of things to be grateful for this year. I got my first writing job, I reconnected with old friends and met new ones, we’re making plans for our first legit house, I’m finally accumulating a reader-base that includes a handful of strangers (Strangers guys! Strangers who message me and take the time to email me! How cool is that?)
I’m part Chinese. And we were always taught to believe that New Year is a time to clear the the bad juju to make way for the good ones. In my Facebook feed, I saw a lot of good- riddance- to- everything -bad –in-2016 posts from friends. Time for a fresh start, right?
What I realized a few years back though, is that every year brings in more bad juju. Sometimes, it’s from past issues that were not properly resolved the year before. Or sometimes, you’re totally blindsided by a fresh set of problems.
The thing is, these sucky circumstances serve a purpose. In as much as good events encourage and motivate me to appreciate life, I begrudgingly have to admit that these major and minor tragedies have taught me the best lessons. (I swear to God, the motivation not to run into the situations I found myself in the past few years have pushed me to improve more than my resolution list ever could.)
Strangely, apart from the good and the bad, I’m also grateful for all the in-between, mundane events. I do my best thinking when I get a chance to lie in bed for 5 hours doing nothing. I love boring days because they allow to re-group and to figure crap out.
Bad experiences give me white hair and wrinkles. Good ones make me smug and fat. So I’m grateful for the steady days because it gives me the time to soak everything in.
This year, I choose to be grateful for everything. Because each circumstance has brought about a certain purpose in my life. Everyday, I was given a challenge to help me improve, a blessing to be thankful for or a peaceful time to allow me to make sense of it all.
BEING THANKFUL FOR ME
This is one of those ideas that seemed pretty sensible when it was all just in my head. But, I realized it sounds incredibly narcissistic when written down. I do have a point though.
I’ve said this over, and over. I’m grateful for every person in my life. My family, my friends, my husband- they all keep me sane, (or close to sane) and grounded. They all mean the world to me and I can’t thank them enough. (I’ve thanked them so much that I actually sound like one of those smug, look-at-me-I-have-people-who-love me types.)
But, one of the hard lessons I learned- when my parents passed away and when Moe and I ran into some problems (this happened simultaneously by the way. With both parents. See what I mean about having bad years?)- is that inevitably, you are the only constant in your life. (Disclaimer: I’m not being cynical or angsty. I just can’t find an emoticon that depicts calm and matter-of-fact. They should make one. This entire sentence sounds petulant without one).
The thing is, I’ve always said that I wouldn’t be who I am without my “constants” and that still holds true. But I’ve also come to realize that I’ve never really given myself a pat on the back for all the things I’ve become.
My peeps may have helped me out more than I deserve, but at the end of the day, the best that they can do is to make sure I have the support that I need. I still ultimately call the shots and make my own decisions.
So I gotta start giving credit to myself as well – because despite my bumbling mistakes and my neurotic tendencies – I have managed to make the most of another year.
I am truly, sincerely grateful for all that life has brought me so far. And this includes being grateful for who I was, who I am and who I will turn out to be.
To everyone I’ve encountered this past year – Cheers! Cheers to aging, growing older and setting our own pace. Cheers to all the changes we’ve encountered and all our attempts at self-improvement. Cheers to our alternately, happy, sucky and boring lives . Cheers to all the relationships that we’ve formed, maintained, mended and even broken. And most of all, cheers to us! We all deserve a pat on the back for 2016! Happy New Year!
berlin domingo says
I find you as an accomplished lady, Pia. When we compare ourselves to others, we tend to belittle ourselves. I find you good in writing. You could communicate properly and write interesting stories. That for one is an achievement as not anyone can do the same. And not whining is far better than being a whiner 10 years or more so.
I wish your 2017 a success! Happy new year!
Pia says
Aw, thank you so much Berlin! What a truly nice thing to say! And you’re right, being less of a whiner is truly a major accomplishment. 😛
Martine says
I love how while reading this, I can somehow see the expressions on your face! Haha! Happy New Year, Pia, and keep writing. I know it makes you happy, and in the end, happiness really is what brings contentment, eventually. And keep learning! Nothing is more fulfilling than knowing we have so much yet to discover about our true selves. Hugs!
Pia says
Hahaha. I’ll take that as a compliment Martine! 😛 But yes, it was only recently that I started “indulging” myself and pursuing things that make me happy. I guess I can chalk that up as a major accomplishment as well. Thanks so much for encouraging me and for being part of my journey. 🙂
Teresa Dumadag says
Each one of us has his/her own time to shine and soar. Don’t let your peers’ accomplishment make you sad or pressure you. We define success by our own terms. What may be a success for one may not be true for another.
I wish you more reasons to be happy and excited this 2017! 🙂 Keep on writing if that’s what makes your spirit soar. 🙂
Pia says
Beautiful words of encouragement Teresa, thank you. 🙂
Kathy Ngo says
Wow that was quite a heavy read. I feel you dear. I feel you in all aspects. I wish that I can say things will get better asap but it won’t … HOWEVER one step at a time and always remember, you are exactly where God needs you to be. He has plans. Have faith.
Pia says
Hi Kathy, I didn’t mean for it to be so heavy- but I did want to keep it real. 🙂 But thank you, you’re right, I’m exactly where I need to be. 🙂
Johna says
I loved this post of yours. It was raw, un-cut. I always believe its never too late for anything ☺☺☺ wishing you the best 2017. Excited to hear to things you’ll get up to this year
Pia says
Thank you so much Johna! This means a lot! Wishing you the best in 2017 too!
Gryselle Mae says
I also skipped on my New Year’s resolution this year. This is the first year ever that I didn’t make a resolution list. I realized that I don’t really stick with it, and to plan for your future that is still a blur feels silly. I am more into “go with the flow” kind of thing. I like spontaneous events and activities!
Like you, I learned a lot as well. I learned that I haven’t been true to myself. I have been acting on everyone’s demand and whims that I lost the real me. All this time, I have been fooling myself all along. I reached my goal in life but I felt empty, but once I opened up my heart, I actually felt relieved.
Feeling behind, and seeing everyone we know spend the lives that we wish were ours isn’t really healthy. We have our lives and we should live it the way we want it. We should stop comparing ourselves with others. My friends have all been getting married, having a family and going to several trips abroad while I’m stuck working in the corporate world. I have been so depressed and stressed because I missed the most important thing. That is, I have a choice. And so I resigned from my job and started a business with my fiance. Now that most of the hard work are done, I get to spend the life that I wanted. I get to rest in bed all day and I got time to blog and learn more about blog marketing too!
May 2017 bring us more surprises! The good ones of course. Good luck to the both of us! 😉
Jimmy and Tina says
So that’s what there calling it now, Twilight years, Going to have to look it up, 🙂 At 45 Having grown children and wasted years I still find myself trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and then it dawns on me that I don’t have the years in front of me that I used to . I thought I would chalk it up to mid life crisis when I get myself in a panic 🙂 Kinda scarry! I won’t be defeated in this blogging venture, I refuse to think millennials can do better. I just have to work a little harder at learning it all.. Whew and it’s a lot of work but up to the challenge.
Abie says
I think you’ve just put into words how I am feeling right now about this whole new year’s resolution thing. I also don’t list down the things I’d like to change about my self and what I’d like to accomplish, all that non sense. I just do it, you know.
I’ve also stopped comparing myself to friends and strangers I see in social media daily. Like you, I am just grateful of a lot of things. I love this post! Cheers 🙂
ROBERT LEE | Amazing Life Daily says
I was standing on the balcony on New Year’s eve, not able to talk to my kids who were away. Living separately and not seeing them is tough for me. I am not saying this so that we could sympathize with each other. I intend to share this so that you would have a lame excuse for seeing that others had it worse. See, some people try to think that others have it worse so that their own situation does not seem to bad after all.
But you, my friend, have the RIGHT mindset. It is during the times when you feel vulnerable that you start to realize what truly is important for you. Guess what? The most important things in the world for you are the people you are grateful for. And with that being said, what others do (professions and others), how they live (lifestyle), they don’t matter to you. Only the people you care about and grateful for matters. Cheer up, Pia.
Pia says
Thank you for the insight Robert, hearing other people’s stories does put things into perspective. But that’s the reason why I have a tendency to be totally honest about my posts as well. I guess I want to give the impression that people go through different things – and sometimes negative feelings override the good ones. But that’s all perfectly fine. I find that when I let my emotions play out – I learn more things about myself, and when I do snap out of it, I have takeaway from the experience. 🙂