In my last post, I shared Dondon & Margaux’s telenovela-ish love story. I think everyone who has read it agree that it was a pretty epic how they serendipitously found each other again despite all the seeming obstacles.
DISCLAIMER: I usually write my articles- in two-part series. But their experiences are so poignant, so relatable and so and enriching that I couldn’t bear to cut any more than I already have.
In short, brace yourselves, there’s Part 3!!! Hehehe. It’s seriously worth the read though guys!
But before any of that, here’s Part 2:
THE REALITY OF MARRIAGE:
Dondon: All my friends who married ahead of us would warn us of annoyances that would come when we got married. I didn’t believe them. How could Margaux and I ever do wrong together?
Margaux: Although we had already known each other a very long time before we got married, iba pa rin pala talaga pag magkasama na kayo sa isang bubong. There were so many of these small but irritating things that began to creep up into our marriage.
Dondon: There is the proverbial toothpaste. I don’t know why she has to press it from the middle and not at the bottom. Then there was the shower- she keeps the shower setting so that it goes straight to your face full blast when you open it. Those were just the petty ones that I annoyed me.
Margaux: It wasn’t long before I judged that things were changing from the time when we were on a romantic high. Things like; he doesn’t look up from his cellphone anymore when I talk to him. Ngayon yung text back sa akin “k” nalang, minsan wala pang sagot – eh dati rati napakasweet ng mga reply sa akin.
Now it was so difficult to find a time para makapag-date kami, sometimes months go by without even a quiet dinner together. Eh bakit dati halos araw-araw kami magkasama?
Dondon: Needless to say, living happily ever after soon became a fantasy. The honeymoon glow started fading. The laughter getting fewer, the irritation and the frustration getting more pronounced. My happiest day ever getting more and more hard to beat.
UNMET EXPECTATIONS:
Dondon: All the irritants, annoyances and hurts continued to pile up. All the disappointments and loneliness influenced my behavior towards Margaux. I became more detached and disconnected.
Our conversations were pretty much limited to necessities. Jokes to each other were quickly judged as insults and offensive.
I did not know what to do. I chose to talk less instead. I was afraid that talking to her would eventually lead to more arguments and hurts.
This is difficult for me. I am not one to shut up if I think something needs to be said. I need to settle things now! Hindi mamaya! But I assumed she would snap at me at the slightest provocation, so shut up nalang ako.
Margaux: As time went by, I grew to resent Dondon more and more. My mind would be so consumed with “sama ng loob” that by the time Dondon would get home, we would be on the brink of fighting already. Most of the things he would say or do, I interpreted as a choice either for me or against me.
Dondon: Then we got pregnant – it wasn’t part of the plan just yet. All the joy of having a baby was overshadowed by the terrible mood we were both in.
My dreams of just dropping everything and going to the beach together remained a dream because everything else appeared more important.
My expectations of myself to be the provider felt so heavy with all the responsibilities of a household. All of these became more frustrating because coming into this marriage, I thought that I had the proper training witnessing my parents successfully do it.
Margaux: The expectations I had on myself began to break down too. I felt miserable and dominated every time Dondon made a complaint about the household – how he doesn’t like the food, or how things should be done another way.
Here he was providing for our needs and I could not even fulfill the role of “queen of the household” properly. Before we were married, I was independent and in control. Now I saw myself as inadequate and powerless. Aside from being lonely, I was feeling more and more disappointed, not just with him, but with myself.
LIVING SEPARATE LIVES:
Dondon: I found myself getting busier at the office, choosing to go home late and eating out on “meetings”… and as if that was not enough, I involved myself with other responsibilities that would keep my mind on other things.
I played leadership roles in a number of organizations. I felt needed, people looked up to me, people listened to what I had to say and I felt appreciated. Most of all I was able to argue and even fight because I wasn’t afraid to confront there. Sa lahat ng pinagkaabalahan ko, pinapansin ako, minsan pa nga pinapalakpakan.
Ano ba naman na marinig ko lang kay Margaux that she appreciates how hard I work to keep our family comfortable, or let me know that she needs me, or kahit nga hanapin lang niya ang mga luto ko para sa kanya at sabihin na masarap, ok na rin yon.
Instead all these things I expected in this relationship, I don’t get from her anymore. Nakakalungkot talaga.
Margaux: When he would come home late, instead of telling him that I missed him, I would lament that I was no longer important to him. In my mind, ang laki ng atraso niya sa akin. Marami siyang excuses para di umuwi.
Eh ako, no choice. Obligado ako kasi sa akin lahat ang bagsak ng concerns sa bahay at sa mga bata. I thought was this a partnership? I thought we would grow this family together? How come I felt more like an employee than a wife? My anger and resentment just kept building up.
Dondon: Doing things on my own became the norm. While before, ganado pa ako to be with her with our common responsibilities like going to the children’s doctors, now, I just let her go by herself. Same is true for the PTA in their school.
Margaux: The times that I would get to force him to participate in a school activity of one of our kids, I doubted his sincerity. I expected him to be as willing and enthusiastic as I was, but all I was faced with was a warm body glued to his phone and often glancing at his watch, ready to jump out at the first opportunity.
I wondered, bakit sa alumni ng school niya, he would drop everything for them? Eh yung para sa mga anak niya, pahirapan? I began to doubt that he still wanted to be part of this family.
All I needed to hear was Dondon’s appreciation of all I was doing for our family. I needed to be affirmed that I was not alone in this. I needed to know that although he may not be present, he was still aware and grateful. But with his absence and silence, I felt abandoned and forgotten.
I also resented how he would consult with me less and less with regard to our finances. When I stopped earning my own income, and focused more on volunteer work, I seemed to have lost my vote in the decision-making. The more it reinforced the feeling that I was just a hired hand in this enterprise we called a family.
Dondon: Before, we would often have meetings and talk about our finances together as we plan out our expenses; now, bahala na, kanya kanyang diskarte.
I remember one time we were out shopping looking for a big electric fan and other things Margaux needed to buy for the house. I saw a giant trampoline hanging on the ceiling. I always dreamed of having one as a child. It was right there calling me as if I had my name on it. After easily justifying to myself that it is my gift for the kids, I got one. I completely disregarded her opinion on how WE should spend OUR money.
More and more I started to decide on financial matters on my own. In my head, I guess I was thinking, as long as my family isn’t hungry there is no problem I will do what I want to do with MY money.
Margaux: As all these disappointments and unmet expectations piled up, it led me to be more aloof and distant towards Dondon. I became less of a wife and more like a project manager. The project was running the house and raising the kids, and I did this with cold detachment. It was business, nothing personal.
I mostly withdrew from emotional and physical intimacy. I was too exhausted from working and taking care of the kids. I couldn’t even keep my eyes open to hear his kwentos. Maybe it was my way of getting back, or maybe it was my way of avoiding getting hurt.
Dondon: I felt more distant from Margaux. The kids hardly played with me. I felt empty at home. My disillusionment deepened. It was a vicious cycle- the lonelier I felt, the more I involved myself with other things until everything gets overwhelming.
Family life seemed to be just on auto-pilot. My lifestyle placed a strain in our relationship so much so that I found the atmosphere at home suffocating. Ayaw ko na nga umuwi minsan kung hindi lang ako pagod.
Margaux: I easily found diversions so I could forget the loneliness and isolation I was feeling in our marriage. At that time, they did not seem like diversions. I had pretty good reasons to be busy.
I had my hands full caring for our 4 kids. Then there was the house – dealing with staff, repairs, groceries. Of course I had to attend to my kids and the house – no question about that.
Then I had my work. The foundation I had set up was growing. We were reaching so many children and families. I was helping thousands – how can you argue with the importance of that?
These dominated my thoughts, words and actions. The face I wanted to show Dondon was that I was ok without him, “hindi kita kailangan”.
Dondon: At this point in our marriage though, I was agonizing with the thought that we had reached a dead end… and so soon in the marriage. That was very sad and painful and in fact, too embarrassing.
The times I was alone, I could not help but reflect on where we are. I ask myself, where did I go wrong? I am supposed to know what to do? Is this all there is to my marriage, just coasting and letting life take over?
Where is my best friend? Nasaan na si Margaux who would talk to me for hours over nothing? Where is Margaux who would laugh with me and my corny jokes? Nasaan na ang Margaux ko na sasadyain kong humanap ng traffic so that I could spend more time with her? Has she changed? Perhaps I too have changed? Is there still hope or ganito na lang ba talaga? Maybe not separated but definitely apart. What happened to my best days ever?
Margaux: With all the disappointments I was going through, disillusionment started to set in. Dondon and I seemed to be living in two separate worlds. Whenever I would watch him happily laughing and talking to other people I would wonder, “how come it’s so hard for us to even do that with each other?”
From a couple so in-love, not able to stay away from each other, we became two uninvolved strangers living under one roof and sharing the same bed. Late at night, as we lay in bed with our backs turned against each other, I would ask myself: What happened to our once beautiful and loving relationship? I longed very much to touch and embrace Dondon, but my disillusionment would get the better of me. Is there still hope or are we doomed to live our separate lives?
PART 3 TO BE CONTINUED IN NEXT POST
alison says
NOOOOO! I hate this ending! I love this story so much and love these people so much and I hate leaving them in this unhappy space! I am so sad even though I just need to wait for the next post. I just hate how they worked so hard to get their happily ever after and now real life has set in. I just didn’t want it to happen for these two! I am so excited for the next installment! Hope it comes soon!
Pia says
Aw, thanks Alison! It warms my heart that you really feel for them. Part 3 coming up!
ROBERT LEE says
Uh oh, the trials of living together. I remember a friend who got married. The next day he called me and said, even after BF/GF relationship for a decade, iba kapag magkasama na sa isang bubong. So many things na nakasanayan now will have to be changed.
Hope to see the next installment soon!
Pia says
Hi Robert! Yup, I realised that too! I was with my husband for 11 years before we got married.. and iba pa rin talaga.. Thanks for reading!
Chhavi says
I think such differences will always creep in in marriages or any other relationship for that matter. All you can do is to try and fix it, sort it out by talking and changing small little things you can but even then if it doesn’t work out then you won’t blame yourself for not trying or not knowing what happened. I am waiting for the next.
Pia says
Thanks for reading. I agree, I think the best thing you can do is to communicate, work together and find ways to compromise. Will write the next part soon. 🙂
Stella the Travelerette says
This story is so sad! I am not married, but I know many people who have reached this point in their marriage. I really want Dondon and Margaux to work it out though! I feel positive that the next installment will be happier–or if not the next, at least a future installment!
Pia says
Hi Stella, it is a little heartbreaking isn’t it? Especially when you see how hard they’re both trying. Will post part 3 soon!
sam says
What an honest way of looking at marriage. Sometimes the expectations are completely different because being in a relationship is different from marriage. I live with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and plan to get married in 2 years. Even in this I’m sure it’s not a 100% guarantee of success. Love still has to be cultivated
Pia says
Hi Sam! Thanks for reading. Yes, one of the things I love about this couple is that they’re not afraid to be real and to put their struggles out there. I think it helps other people put things in perspective. No relationship is perfect- and you will have to go through problems no matter how much you love each other and you really do have to keep on working at it. Congratulations on taking the next step with your boyfriend by the way. Cheers to being in love and finding someone you want to spend your life with. Wishing you guys the best. 🙂
Berlin says
Could very well relate sa toothpaste and shower head. Seems that part of marriage happened to us as well- the detachment and me left managing the house and the kids. But would want to read the part three. Hope soonest.
Pia says
Hi Berlin! I could relate to that too- that and a million other irritations that seem to pop up when you’re living together. Hahaha. Will post part 3 soon!
Nadine Smith (Scenes From Nadine) says
It’s true — you won’t know what your partner is like until you have lived with him/her. Actually, my husband and I have been living together for more than 3 years and until now, we still discover new things about each other and have new things to fight about sometimes. Haha! This is frowned upon in our society, but this is one of the reasons why I am for moving in together before getting married,
Pia says
Hi Nadine. I agree, you really wouldn’t know each other until you start living together. I agree with you, even after years of living together, you still run into some surprises. You’re both evolving and changing after all- so your relationship also continues to grow and evolve. Much love to you and your husband. 🙂
Joanna says
It is very sad when this ending moment happens. And you wonder why and how you got there. And sometimes there is nothing you can do to save the marriage. But sometimes, working together, you might be able to save it.
Pia says
Hi Joanna! Yup, sometimes all unresolved irritations continue to pile up and before you know it, your relationship gets to a breaking point. But I also agree with you that even if it seems to be the end- things can still turn around if you work together. 🙂
Neri Ann says
You see on each of the statements that in every relationship, we are different. So if there is no communication, there will be a greater chance of having separate ways. But I do hope, there will still be a happy ending for the both of them. 🙁
Pia says
Hi neri! Agree, communication is really the key. Posting part 3 soon!
Cheryle says
I hate the last part. I don’t like seeing the fact that both of you still matter to each other yet the wholeness of the relationship is not even more working. I look forward to seeing the happily ever after thing!!
Pia says
Thank you Cheryl! It’s really a sad reality among couples, even the ones who are so in love, isn’t it? Hope you got to read Part 3! 🙂
kareenliez says
Oh my. Things like this really happen to a couple. Sometimes, it takes a long time before it gets resolved but when it does, it is all worth the pain. These are actually merely challenges that a family can encounter but can actually overcome when they decide to resolve it together. I am sure Dondon and Margaux came to that happily ever after point of their life.
Pia says
That is so true. And sometimes – it’s cyclical too. Sometimes you overcome one hump, only to be confronted with another one later on. Thanks for reading! Hope you got to read part 3 also. 🙂
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