Last year, as explained in my first posts (click here and here), I went through some sort of early mid-life crisis. To sum things up, I felt seriously lost. Because of all the series of heartbreaks that I went through, I realized that I was, for a good portion of time, on automatic coping mode.
I figured that I needed to engage in a bunch of activities that would nurture my soul and would help me get to know myself again.
After I did my solo vacation (click here and here), it was time to do something more spiritual. I went on my first ever silent retreat.
ON BEING A RELUCTANT PARTICIPANT
To be perfectly transparent, I did not sign up for this willingly. In fact, my husband literally had to fill up the form for me.
My qualms about going had nothing to do with any kind of deep spiritual reason though. I was actually relishing the thought of total silence and solitude. I was even looking forward to having some down time with God.
But… how do I put this delicately… the austerity of retreat houses isn’t exactly my cup of tea. I’ve done the whole retreat house living all throughout my student life – and the prospect of a communal bathroom with inadequate heating does not exactly inspire me to be more prayerful.
Of course, my Catholic school-instilled guilt complex got the better of me. Jesus died a painful, gory death on the cross for me – and I’m complaining about sharing a bathroom? Shame on me!
So despite my prissy reservations, I went up to Baguio.
ON THE SILENT RETREAT
The particular retreat that I went to was organized by the Christian Life Community of the Philippines. They’re a Catholic organization whose principles and way of life are founded on the spiritual teachings of St. Ignatius de Loyola.
The retreat schedule was fairly flexible and loose. We were given a set of 4-5 scriptures to reflect on each day during our periods of prayer (more on that later).
But we followed our own timeline. We set when and where we wanted to pray and we could rest, eat or sleep in between. (I have to add that this in it by itself was liberating for me. The last time I was on a retreat was in high school. So I was pretty much like, “Whaaat… I can take naps??? This is awesome!”).
They emphasized however, that the entire the four-day period should be spent contemplating. They asked that we refrain from communicating with anyone. Even unnecessary eye contact with fellow participants should be avoided so we don’t get distracted.
Everyday though, we get a one –hour, one-on-one scheduled sessions with our Spiritual Director. During this time, you are free to talk about your reflections and are given guidance and more scripture to ponder on for the following day.
ON ST. IGNATIUS
To appreciate the structure of the retreat a little better, I think a super brief background on St. Ignatius de Loyola is in order. (I’ll make it quick I swear).
If earlier accounts of his life are to be believed, St. Ignatius was your typical medieval coño douschebag. He was rich, attractive, intelligent and spent a good chunk of his time pursuing fame and glory. Admittedly though, the boy got swag- he was a skilled super solider and had the charms to send women’s hearts aflutter. So for all intents and purposes, he lived a good, pimped up, life.
Until, in one of his battles, his legs got crushed by a cannonball (Yes, a cannonball. The sh*t just got real). His grave injuries sent him on a long, arduous period of recovery.
Because he was bed ridden and had nothing better to do with his time, he started to read about the life of Jesus and became enthralled with learning about the Gospels and saints.
This pivotal moment changed the course of his life and awakened in him a strong desire to serve God.
He eventually founded the Society of Jesus, a religious order that firmly believes that spirituality is a way of life. (Pope Francis, represent!) They believe that a relationship with God is not just fostered through traditional prayer but in more “practical” aspects of human life. He communicates with us through our feelings, our work, our relationship with others etc.
Jesuits believe that engaging in “practical” endeavors- harnessing our talents and connecting with the “real” world – helps us nurture a deeper connection with God. (So it’s not uncommon to see Jesuits pursue more secular callings on top of their “religious” calling. You see a lot of Jesuit missionaries, scientists, mathematicians, psychologists, lawyers etc.)
In a book by Fr. Martin SJ, “The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything”, he emphasizes that God desires a personal relationship with us so badly that he finds us wherever we are. We just need to train ourselves to listen.
And, being in a constant state of listening can be better achieved through spiritual exercises.
ON SPIRITUAL EXERCISES
The fascinating thing about Ignatian Spirituality is that their method of prayer is broken down into structured, detailed spiritual exercises. (They even set a time- 30 minutes spent on each prayer period. This gives you enough time to center on God but not enough time to let your thoughts wander).
The methods that we used during our prayer periods were tailored after a couple of these spiritual exercises.
I. PRAYING WITH SCIPTURE (Lectio Divina)
- Silencio – Choose a quiet spot and spend some time preparing for prayer. Just like in any form of meditation, spend a few minutes in silence. Be aware of your thoughts, your surroundings, your feelings. Humbly offer yourself, your intentions and questions to God. Ask for the grace of His presence to fill you.
- Lectio – Go over your selected scripture slowly. Read through the whole passage to get a feel of the message. Then read the passage again, but this time, be aware of any word or sentence in the scripture that evokes a strong emotion in you.
- Meditatio – Stay with that particular phrase or word and allow it to speak to you. Reflect on whatever thoughts, memories, feelings that it invokes. What message is being given to you?
- Oratio– Allow yourself to have an open and honest dialogue with God. Speak to Him about what you feel & think about the message. Ask Him questions, as if you were having a conversation with someone who is tangibly present. Engage with Him.
- Contemplation – Gently let go and end your conversation with a prayer. Quietly leave your place of meditation and spend some time journaling your experience.
II. IGNATIAN CONTEMPLATION
The Ignatian contemplation follows the same structure of Lectio Divina. You basically spend some time in silence, pray for God’s grace and then read your selected passage.
Instead of focusing on a phrase however, you let yourself be carried into the story or scene that you just read: Identify with a person or a character. Immerse yourself in the actual events that happened. Quietly let the scene unfold. Be mindful of what you’re feeling and what your thoughts were while the events are unfolding. Refrain from trying to relate it with anything personal. Just be present in the story.
As with Lectio Divina, you pause to reflect on everything that happened, and then you spend time conversing with God about what you had witnessed. Once you’re finished, you journal about your experience.
I sincerely loved doing these spiritual exercises because it urged us to use all our faculties- our intellect, our bodies, our hearts – when seeking a personal dialogue with God.
I’ve never been one to respond to any kind of formal prayer. I can’t bring myself to pray the rosary. I also kinda glaze over every time I have to go to mass. I just can’t connect with God when I have to be mindful of structure and tradition.
These exercises though had a different effect on me. Yes, it follows a structure. But at the same time, it’s personal. It allowed me to honor my feelings, but at the same time, it stimulated me to think.
More importantly though, it helped me foster a deeper relationship with God.
Just to share briefly, God and I have always had an erratic relationship. Sometimes I feel His presence, sometimes I don’t. But, I’ve never stopped trying to connect with Him.
I can honestly say though, that in all the years that I’ve tried to seek for Him- whether it was in personal prayer; in meditation; through other retreats; through group sharing; through lectures; through other religions- I’ve never felt his presence more tangibly than I did during the times that I did these spiritual exercises.
Will discuss some of my more poignant experiences in another post. I was hoping though, that by sharing this, some of you will actually be motivated to experience the silent retreat for yourselves or at the very least, try out these spiritual exercises. It really does work wonders.
Thanks for the recommendation, Pia! I’ve actually been looking for a retreat to attend as I know it will help me in my current situation. Too bad they don’t have a retreat scheduled this April.
Hi Carmel! It really was a great experience. I was in a funk when I went to the retreat, and for the first time, I could hear God’s voice so clearly- it’s as if I was having a conversation with someone who was physically present. It was really a moving experience. Sayang it doesn’t fit your schedule. Their silent retreats are every first of the month I think. I hope you can eventually attend one of them. I’m sure it will help you as much as it helped me. I’ll let you know if I find other groups doing the same Ignatian retreat format:)
Yes, please! Let me know if you find other groups. Thank you!
Question, Pia — was there a one on one session with the retreat director?
Yes, every day there was an hour’s session with a spiritual director.
I love going on retreats. I used to go every year before we move to Singapore (and before kids and marriage). Nowadays, I hardly even have time to get a pedicure, so a retreat is totally out of the question. I miss it though. And yes, I wish they were held in hotels where you can have a bathroom all to yourself. hahaha!
Hey pat! Yeah, it’s a totally different experience no? I think it’s something that I would like to do once a year from now on. But you’re right, I’d do it more often if they held it in hotels! Hahaha.
I love going on retreats. I used to go every year before we moved to Singapore (and before kids and marriage). Nowadays, I hardly even have time to get a pedicure, so a retreat is totally out of the question. I miss it though.
And yes, I wish they were held in hotels where you can have a bathroom all to yourself. hahaha!
Glad you had the time and the chance to go to one. The Ignatian contemplation is one of my favorites.
This is nice! I’ve recently applied to a similar silent retreat, although it is Buddhist in nature. Reading what you wrote made me more hopeful about getting into the program. I’m glad it went well for you.
Thanks for reading! I’d love to do a Buddhist retreat too! Would really appreciate if you can share the one you’re planning to go to. Keeping my fingers crossed that you get into the program.
I’ve never joined a silent retreat before.I just know it from scenes on Eat Pray Love.I think time and time again we need spiritual reflection.Thank you for sharing your experience.
I actually wanted to do something similar to Eat Pray Love, but it kinda looked logistically complicated so decided against it. Hahaha. You’re right though, it’s always nice to do something more spiritual every so often. Hope you get to try it one of these days.
This is such an interesting post! I’ve never been in a retreat like this and I think it takes a lot of courage to do it. Reading you post was so enlightening for me. I love your blog and I’m sure i’m going to come back to visit soon.
Thank you for your kind words. I think experiencing a series of unfortunate events kinda forces you to be courageous.
And thanks for the blog love! Looking forward to hearing from you again. 
Like it or not, as you did in the beginning, the retreat was something you needed and benefited from. Sometimes, you need to take a step back and reflect on yourself and life, find your purpose, so that you could take two and more steps forward.
And if I may, I know a lot of people agree with you, that sometimes you feel God and sometimes not. I have since learned to ask, how had I made God feel?
Hi Robert! That’s a question that not a lot of people would ask. Thanks for sharing – pretty insightful. Something to really, really think about…
Sometimes the silence and the quiet is exactly what we need to recuperate and have somewhat of a clean slate. I wanted to commend you on finding the courage to talk to God and form a relationship with him. It’s something that I wanted to do for the long time, but I always talk myself out of it. I guess I’m not ready myself for my own quiet. I’m still to scared to listen to my silence, fearing what I’ll hear myself. I’m slowly claiming my faith and though I’m nowhere near to what you have accomplished, thank you for sharing your experience. Hopefully, one day, I can have reconnect with Him too.
Hi! Thanks so much for the words of encouragement. I really had qualms about this because I’m not really a conventionally religious person. It was totally worth it though. Hoping that you find it in you to reconnect with God as well. Will be rooting for you..
Reading this made me long to go on a retreat, hahaha! I haven’t been on one for ages — ever since I became a mom, it’s been super challenging to carve out time! Thanks for sharing what you did on the retreat — I hope I can do something similar soon; maybe when the baby is a bit bigger!
God bless.
Hi Tina! thanks so much! Yes, hopefully you can do it when the little one is older.
I’ve been wanting to go on a retreat! My last was when I was still with Singles for Christ (or maybe when we my husband and I were newly married. We’ve been married for 18 years!) Thanks for sharing your experience. I will consider this!
Hi Racquel! This is the first retreat I’ve been to since high school! Hahaha. I highly recommend it though, it was pretty life-changing. Will keep my fingers crossed you get to experience this soon.
Now this is something that I honestly don’t think I could ever do! Like you, I did the travelling solo thing after a broken heart, but to go silent? I’m not sure! It seems like you have really gained alot from the experience though and it has helped you grow.
Hahaha, honestly, I thought I couldn’t do it too! I was okay with not talking to anyone, but I was getting anxious just thinking about turning off my phone and disconnecting from everyone. I didn’t even think I could fall asleep without going through Facebook first! Hahaha. But it was totally worth it. It gave me the much-needed break to recharge and to re-assess my situation.
Two years ago, I felt really lost in life too. I had considered going to a retreat but never found one that seemed appealing to me. I sought silence as well but found it in meditation instead. I met someone who talked to me about life’s purpose, Buddhism and many other things and introduced me to a teacher.
I’m still doing regular meditations. When I feel stressed about life or shaken, sometimes all I need is the silence when I’m alone.
Hi Kat! What a coincidence! I was actually into Buddhism also! Even had a guru and practiced meditation in college. That pretty much fizzled along with the other spiritual practices I engaged in though. What I love about Jesuit Spirituality is that they’re open to other religions and ways of doing things. Some of their contemplation exercises have even been inspired by eastern philosophies.
Maybe when I move back to Manila we could touch base, I’d really love to relearn Buddhism. 
“God desires a personal relationship with us so badly that he finds us wherever we are. We just need to train ourselves to listen”
Reading above, plus the spiritual exercises “Lectio Divina” and “Ignacian Contemplacion” made me realize that despite the religious and traditional way of connecting to God, we learned that the best way to connect with the Father, the Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit is personal. We find, and make time to nurture the relationship with him. And when we do this regularly our relationship w/ Him grows.
Thanks for reading Sonnie! I agree with you wholeheartedly, in as much as there is value to traditional prayer, God wants us to reach out to Him in a deeper, more personal level. I felt that my understanding of my faith and my love for God has grown leaps and bounds ever since I started doing all these spiritual exercises.
This is a very beautiful post. I like the idea of the retreat being sort of open in terms of what you chose to do with your time, but still structured so that you would have quiet reflection. Also you did a great job describing the life of St. Ignatius of Loyola! He is a very important saint in New Orleans, where my family is from.