In my last post, I talked about moving out of Subic. I also shared how I felt that I was more than ready to move to Manila.
But yeah, it’s complicated….
WHAAT?? NOW I WANT TO STAY??
Those of you who have followed the first post probably think I’m a fickle, flighty girl who changes her mind at the drop of a hat.
Just the opposite, those who know me can attest that I’m doggedly, stubbornly decisive. In fact, I’m the poster child for confirmation bias. (Psych 101, Confirmation bias: “the tendency to interpret new information as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories.” ).
And that’s probably why it took me a while to realize that we have it good here.
I guess it also helped that things were picking up. For one thing, I finally got my first retainer job. FROM A STRANGER! (shout out to my friend Bayzee who helped me land this gig). Sidenote: Cielo and Margs, I will forever be grateful for the steady work you’re giving me. But I’m not sure if you hired me because you think I have legit skills, or if you just don’t want me to be destitute.
I have to admit it’s a different kind of excitement when someone who isn’t emotionally invested in my personal welfare is actually willing to pay me to write. I have a street cred guys! (*Tear*)
I’m certainly a long way to go from my Oprah-ish empire. But at least, it gave me the affirmation that living in Subic can actually sustainable.
So slowly, I was beginning to regain my footing. And begrudgingly, I was becoming a little bit more open to the possibility of staying here longer…
And then we had to move.
OVERWHELMED
Like I said, I knew leaving was inevitable. But I didn’t think it would happen this soon!
In my head, I needed 6 months to prepare for the move. Instead, because the Universe has a sense of humor, we now have 6 weeks.
All of a sudden I had all these things to consider:
Where were we going to live? We’ve sold our house when my mom passed away, so that only leaves Moe’s house. That place needs a lot of fixing up. I refuse to go back to living like a heathen. We would have to rent.
But, we can’t rent forever! So we have to cough up both the rent money and money for constructing Moe’s house. We’re going to be poor!
Talk about awful timing too. We have a Davao and Korea trip planned this July! How the eff are we going to manage all of that??
Gasp! What about our current internet subscription? We’re still under contract! That’s 15k!
And how the hell are we going to haul all stuff we’ve accumulated back to Manila?
On top of that, I’m getting more work from other people too. I have back to back deadlines. I can’t rely on Moe much because he’s up to his elbows with work.
I. Can’t. Deal.
The stress has transformed me into a chain- smoking, binge-eating, coffee-guzzling, vodka-chugging, pinterest-obsessing shell of my old self.
To top it off, as usual, I have emotional baggage.
FEAR OF CHANGE
Just to give an idea of how neurotically risk-averse I’ve always been, let me tell you a quick story:
My parents used to tell me that even as a baby, I was perfectly content playing in my room for days and did not seem to possess a natural infant- desire to discover new things.
Any tentative attempts to explore would immediately be halted the minute I found myself in a risky situation. And, if I got hurt engaging in a particular task, I would back off and not bother with that task again.
Needless to say, that old foggy of a baby grew up to be a foggier adult.
I don’t like change. I like things that are routine and predictable. It took me a while to get used to Subic. And I’m irrationally panicked at the thought of having to leave my constructed comfort zone again.
Earlier on, I mentioned that Moe and I got into relationship problems while we were here. If I was honest with myself though, those problems were not Subic-exclusive. Those issues were there even before we got here. As a matter of fact, living in Subic actually helped us get our sh*t together. His work and our lifestyle here afforded us the time to focus on our problems.
Now, I’m absolutely petrified that moving to the more pressure-inducing environment of Manila could rock the boat again.
Plus, here I am going on and on about my inability to start a career here, BUT what if, I go back to Manila, and I still find myself in a rut? What would be my excuse then? The prospect of having to really put myself out there is terrifying.
FACING CHANGES HEAD ON
I may be a first class whiner, but I’m also my daddy’s daughter. In the sage words of my dad, “Ganun talaga. (insert sigh here).” If there’s one thing my papa has taught me is that you gotta do what you gotta do.
So, I allowed myself one good I’m-so-overwhelmed-why-do-I-have-to-keep-on- adjusting cry; followed by an epic can-I-just stay-in-bed-forever mope and then I continued to methodically tackle every practical thing that we had to do.
Change is inevitable, so you gotta roll up your sleeves, roll with the punches- or roll with anything that some cliché tells you to roll with. At the end of the day, you have to meet these changes head on or you’ll end up being left behind. (I actually contemplated literally being left behind though: I told Moe that he could leave me here, I’ll cook nice meals for the new Chief- of- staff, and then he can come pick me up when I’m good and ready.)
ON MISSING SUBIC
Doing what it takes doesn’t mean I’m not sad though. There are so many things that I will miss about this place.
I will miss living in a quiet neighborhood with only seasonal vacationers for neighbors.
I will miss waking up to trees and birds and all that nature-y stuff.
I will miss going around in my pyjama pants and not having people judge me.
I will miss not going through traffic everyday.
I will miss having ample water pressure in our shower.
I will miss having people visit us during vacations.
I will miss going on day trips to the beach.
I will miss having loads of quality time with Moe.
I will miss coming home to our house.
And, I will miss the people: I will miss BBQ at Gregg’s or at Jon’s; family night at the Means’ or girls’ night with Bayzee, B and Bianca; I will miss drinking with Gary and Craig or beer pong at Paddy’s; I will miss the yummy food at the Garcia’s or watching the New Year fireworks with them at Board Walk.
I will miss how warm and open everyone is here and how we actually feel that we’re part of a community.
But, to put things in perspective, it’s not as if we’re leaving with nothing. We’ll be taking with us a lot of memories and a trunk full of lessons from happy and painful experiences. I’m coming back a little bit more domestically-savvy, a little bit more street-smart and definitely loads wiser and loads more determined.
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS
The hassle of moving has also reminded me of what I’m going back to. My Manila peeps, as usual have been incredibly supportive.
Boogie, who is also a kick-ass broker, has been helping us find houses to rent.
Booboo, God bless her loyal soul, has been taking time out from her crazy schedule to look at houses for us.
Margaux (and Kuya Don) have generously agreed to house and feed us, should we find ourselves still homeless by the end of June.
Cielo has been helping calm my frayed nerves by methodically discussing the pros and cons of rent houses with me and enthusiastically indulging my obsessive ideas about the new house we’re planning to construct.
Amazingly, even one of my new friends, Bernice, has been graciously going out of her way (even got her dad involved) to help us find a suitable place to live.
Having them around has reminded me that I may be leaving the familiarity of Subic, but I’m also actually just coming home.
ON ALWAYS BEING HOME
I can’t end this piece without giving props to my husband:
I’m so, so ridiculously proud of what you’ve accomplished here. I know it’s heartbreaking for you to leave a place and a job that you’ve put so much of yourself into- but if it’s any comfort, know that I got your back.
This transition has reminded me of the vow I made to you when we got married: “Whatever happens, wherever the universe decides to take us, as long as we’re together, we’ll always be home.”
Looking forward to our next home and our next adventure. 🙂
If I haven’t said this before, I will say it now – I AM A FAN OF YOUR WORK. I love your blog, the first one and now this. I learn a lot from you Pia. Thank you so much. Good luck ha.
P.S. Though I don’t see you often when we were neighbors, I was so surprised that I missed you and your whole family, extended fam included. I miss your house, yung itsura nya before, because it looks like a playhouse now with it’s shocking colors. Nakaka-pikon. Ang hirap Pia, kasi your house used to bring me comfort, kahit makita ko lang from afar or from my window tapos naririnig ko yung sound ng mahjong or yung tawanan nyo, I feel good. Kaya nung nakita ko na ganon ang ginawa ng new owners, naiyak ako sa car. I took a picture and posted it on FB. It also took a long time before I warmed up to them. But ok na ngayon, like ko na rin sila ng very very light.
So, THANK YOU ulit kasi pinatuloy nyo ako sa bahay nyo and you treated me like family. That meant a lot. You and Det (along with your spouses) are always in my prayers.
Hi Anna. This is so sweet. I’m incredibly touched. I may have been reclusive when I was there, but I miss our Taytay neighborhood too. You and sina Mitch were really like family to us. I miss having you guys around. As for the house- thank you for posting pictures. I would show that picture to friends every time I could. I will not comment any further..Hahaha. Let’s catch up when we get to Manila please.
Pia,
One thing I learned to help cope with change is accepting the inevitable. I understand how you feel, but feelings have no bearing on the things that is bound to happen and the things you need to do. Take inspiration from the kindness of the people around you who at a time when you need help, they are there to offer you theirs. Even people from the online world and the blogging community, words and thoughts are for you to pull through.
See all the positives?
Thanks Robert! And thanks for constantly checking up on me! I really do appreciate it. 🙂
Those are really relatable but I also experienced that when I first moved to the city for college. I was too scared of leaving home but I can’t stay here because I always crave adventure and that why I really opted to go to the city for college. One thing I learned is that change is inevitable and it will never be gone. It’s the only thing permanent. There will always be challenges present and I hope you will be headstrong and optimistic about it. 🙂
Thank you Maria! Trying to muster up all the optimism I have in me. Hahaha. I think your experience was even more difficult that mine though. To put things in perspective, I grew up in the city. Subic was the unfamiliar territory. So in a way I really am just coming back home. 🙂
I myself hate change. I would rather stay at home reading books than go outside and play with friends. I would order the same meal again and again for fear that my new order would be a disaster.
But that was me about a year ago. Ive come to embrace change (but not entirely) when I had our baby. Its another change as I got pregnant unexpectedly and my youngest then was already 10 years old.
Change can be sweet. Sometimes abrupt. Can be a real treat or a pain. But it will always end beautifully if we embrace it with open heart and mind.
Good luck and God bless always b
Thank you Berlin! My mom friends do tell me that having children really does prepare you to always expect the unexpected. Hahaha. Thanks for the kind words! Really appreciate it. 🙂
Reading this is so timely for me. I’m about to leave my hometown, where I’ve lived for 22 years , to go to the big city, where I literally know no one. Change is scary, but you must learn to embrace the things you fear. That is the only way to live life.
You are SO STRONG! You go, girl! Try not to think about all those things at the same time. Make a list, take it one step at a time. It’s such a cliche thing to say, but you really do have to do what you gotta do. If I were in your place, I’d probably want to stay in Subic too. But change is inevitable, change is constant. The sooner we accept it, the sooner we can move on.
As someone from Manila, I can say that you guys are lucky to be in Subic. I agree! You guys have it good! Just considering the traffic, you’re way better off there… but yeah, opportunities for start-ups though are more than favorable here. I guess it has its pros and cons 🙂
For some reason, I can relate to how you feel but my breakdowns are really the anxiety-laden one that I can’t even write. Haha. I moved out of my parents’ house at 20. Like yours, it happened suddenly. I’m surprised how quickly things can change. Doing the grocery by myself, paying the bills, not having parents to fetch me or not having dinner to come home to is new. It’s been four years now and I still wish they were with me. But yes, in the famous words of your Dad, “Ganon talaga”. It has helped me grow in many ways and think that I can do anything (that, and traveling solo). Good luck!
thanks so much! Props to you for deciding to be independent at such a young age. I lived with my parents until I got married. So I was definitely overwhelmed with the adult responsibilities I had to face.
I grew up in a small town in Mindanao and the city was not a common place for us to visit before. I’ve always wanted to know how live in big cities, and I have tried, I’ve been through the busy streets of Metro Manila, It was fun, I would’ve enjoyed it even more if I had the money, lol! But the traffic and the noise and all the pollution made me miss the life in province even more. lol!
Hahaha. Yes, definitely. Those are definitely not things that I’m looking forward to. 😛
From 6 months to 6 weeks?! Sound like a lot of work to do. Thank God for helpful and loyal friends who make life changing events like this bearable.
Thank you! I really am lucky to have them around. 🙂
First, I love the way you write (wish I was as skilled as you). Atleast, were the same with being a baby girl satisfied playing alone in a corner room. I feel sad for you as well for moving out of Subic. You’ll have to be apart from great friends and clean air. But I’m sure you’ll make new friends as well.. As for the air, i don’t know about that. You know what they say everything happens for a reason and moving to Manila might be a blessing in disguise. You’ll get by for sure!
❤ There’s More to Mica // http://www.micadeleon.com
Aw, what a sweet thing to say. Thank you! and yes I really will miss my friends here in Subic. But you’re right, I’m looking forward to meeting new ones and reconnecting with the friends that I have in Manila. 🙂
Congrats on your streed cred 😉 I bet getting a paid job from a stranger feels awesome! And I know how you feel about change. I hate it, too! Passionately! But I’m sure everything will work out in the end.
Hahaha, thank you. I’ve never tried freelancing before so I have low expectations. And thank you for the words of encouragement. 🙂
I actually liked reading about your neurosis. It felt like I was reading my own mind. Haha. One thing I learned is to just deal with things one step at a time. Pack what you need, sell what you can and don’t need, then get rid of clutter. You can actually move in one week. Trust me, I’ve done it and I used to live in an insanely big house filled with stuff then we moved to an apartment. Talk about change.
Oh my gosh?? Seriously? You’re my moving idol. We had to hire professional movers because I just couldn’t deal!
Oh I hate change. It scares me off and overthinking kills me but once I made my first awkward step in changing something in my like everything then will seem to be okay.
From one over thinker to another: I feel you!
Change is inevitable and yes, we need to adapt to change. Me and my husband are both looking forward on finding a new house instead of renting. We’re paying a lot for the rent and we want some rent to own house on our own. I hope you can move nicely into your new home.
Thank you theresa! We’re planning to build simultaneously as well. Maybe we should trade house tips!
Subic is such a lovely place. I’ve been there a couple of months ago. I feel things are very organized. And I feel soo safe, too! Can’t blame you if you miss it that much 🙂
It is incredibly safe. And peaceful. I’m so glad you enjoyed it here! 🙂
I know what you mean when you said that change is scary. It really is, but I know you get through it. I know you can adapt with it. I wish you all the luck and hope you will be able to adjust here in Manila 😀
Thank you so much Erin! Your words of encouragement mean a lot!
Change is inevitable. Yes, it will be hard but we don’t have a choice. I’ve also moved out of our home and now living with colleagues in an apartment. I can relate to you when you have to think of all the things you have to consider and face. Though I’m totally certain that you’ll adapt to it just like I did. Good luck sis! 🙂
Thank you ann! How are things with your colleagues coming along? That must have been a big step for you too! Thanks for the kind words. I really do appreciate it!
Great philosophy to live by. Home is us. Wherever we lay our heads together, is our home. I think I’m the salad poster child for “confirmation biases” my kids say I icerink things waaaaaaaaaay to much. Which makes it hard to decide and makes me look a bit flighty. But, it’s OK, it’s part of life. Thanks for sharing
Change is where growth take place. It may be a little inconvenient, but after the bump, it’ll be easier. Maybe we can have coffee soon, and explore where we can collaborate.
Wait, we are just planning to move to Subic next year. Came back to your blog to see how you’re doing! haha Looking forward to moving out of the crazy city!!
Hey! Sayang we missed you! You’ll love Subic. I actually still get pangs when I’m reminded that I don’t live there anymore. hahaha. Please let me know if you need anything. And update me when you’ve made the move. 🙂